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Yet.
Anyhow. I freaking hate sparring with a burning, bloody passion. FREAKING HATE.
My mindset just isn't right for it. I am typically not an aggressive person, physically, and my confidence level, consequently, has gone way, way down. I, unlike everyone else, am far from full of myself. I have so little self confidence that it freaking hurts to look at me out there, bouncing out of the way and sneaking a kick in there every so often. You see, by nature (or it would seem, lately) I am a person of very little self esteem, and that little bit is very prone to changing. Today I land all my kicks, up it goes. Tomorrow, I miss and fall, and whoosh, it goes down.
This, however, is only part of the problem. The other part is the fact that I didn't learn how to spar here, and, sad as it may seem, we sparred differently at Sunrise. I guess maybe it was more honorable there, or I was younger and stupider and fuller of myself, or whatever. It's so scrappy here, and so many people just break the rules, no questions asked. They don't even venture into that little grey area.
Speaking of which, they freaking teach us how to go into that grey area of little known legalities. For example, it is illegal to push someone with your palms open, but it is perfectly fine to shove them with your hands curled into fists. This I learned today. Another thing would be that here you're allowed and encouraged to punch and push kick. A push kick, by the way, is exactly that. You just plant the bottom of your foot upon their chest, and all out shove.
At Sunrise, they told you not to punch.
At Sunrise, they told you not to push kick.
Here, if it's legal, GO FOR IT.
It's hard, it really is. Everyone breaks the rules somehow, because they don't care. I was brought up with the knowledge that rules are definitely not meant to be broken pounded firmly in my little head. And my outwardly introverted, quiet nature, as well as my complete lack of self-confidence, doesn't help either.
Everyone is cocky enough to try things beyond their ability.
But not me. I barely even do things within my ability. Just roundhouse kicks, and variations thereof. You learn how to roundhouse kick when you're a yellow belt. I'm a black belt.
And, you know what, I'm afraid of doing some of the more complicated, powerful kicks. Not so much that I'll screw up (though that's a factor), but that I'll smack someone straight in the face and make them run off crying. Or that I'll completely knock the wind out of them and they fall down, and start crying. Or whatever else I've done to hurt people.
I'm ruthless sometimes, or at least I used to be. If you're stupid enough to get kicked, then you deserved it. But they always used to make me apologize, and I didn't want to, but I had to. I hated it, because you just start feeling guilty, like it really is your fault. And then you're angry, because you know it wasn't, because you just confronted someone unnecessarily.
It's all been beaten out of me, and all that confidence I used to have has vanished with it.
Now I'm just a little target out there, hopping around and sidestepping and trying to kick, but never really getting it. Even in my supposed moments of triumph, there's always someone else to pull me down, to make it feel like it isn't right to tell anyone about it. Like my brother. Whenever I have a good day, he's all pissed. And he's louder, so I'm just that little person in the corner, dying to tell my story but too considerate to burst his bubble of anger. And today, I want to vent, but he's got to scream on and on about his relatively good day.
I hate being ignored.
Not only that, whenever I try and get some sympathy, all my parents do is tell me that yes, it's okay to break the rules and yes, it's okay to be scrappy and whatever other critical things they say. I want someone to tell me that it'll be okay, that I'm still good at this, that I'm not the worst black belt ever.
There's nobody to turn to for that. All I ever get is criticism or cursory remarks. It hurts. And there's nobody I can talk to, no shoulder to cry on. I don't know why, but I always seem to have trust issues. Nothing bad has happened to me. I guess I'm just like that. I feel like such a freaking failure.
I hate being so quiet and so shy and so introverted. But what I hate more is that I hide behind my crazier, more enjoyable self.
I hate this shell.
I hate being the moving target.
I hate always losing.
I hate winning and having nobody to tell.
I hate how there is never any sympathy.
I hate how people have to cry and I have to apologize.
I hate being a failure.
Ashlyn @ 8:46 PM
