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But it's not.
IT'S SATURDAY.
I'm going insane.
Well, we did have Thursday and Friday off, so that would explain a few things.
I didn't get to make cookies, which makes me sad. We did go see the Incredibles, though, which was fun. But I love cookies. Maybe I'll try and make them tomorrow. I'll probably be too lazy, though, because I have way too much homework for a normal human being. Damn Miss Bauer, damn writing, damn NHD, damn group projects. Damn them all to hell, goddamnit.
On Friday I went to Knott's with Sylvia and Sarah and Fredricka. It was fun, even though we did everything at a breakneck pace. Honestly, we didn't really stop to eat lunch at all. We got very, very wet at the end, because we rode Perilous Plunge and Bigfoot Rapids. Perilous plunge, by the way, is like.. a really, really twisted log ride. Except you actually have seat belts and you get much, much wetter. It's like a freaking 90 degree drop. I have no earthly idea why I actually consented to riding that thing, but I did, and I got very, very wet. There was no dryness left, practically. Except, of course, for my butt. But whatever. And then we rode Bigfoot Rapids, and towards the end I got wet again, even though we were trying to turn it so that everyone else would get wet.
Prettymuch there was this huge rapid thing, and I was on the wrong side of things. So it all sloshed in, and I wasn't leaning back properly, so it got all over my back and soaked into my pants.
At that time, Sylvia and I were practically dead of hunger, so we split off from Sara and Freddy to go get something to eat. We did, and by this time we're really cold and it's already dark. We call Sara and Freddy and tell them to get to the front as fast as they can, and we get up there. They don't show up, and we have to call them half a million times, all the while standing there hugging each other to try and get warm.
It was fun, though.
Today was.. strange. I got up fairly early, all peppy and pretty happy, and then we go to tae kwon do, and I get all pissy, and I stay pissy until we run off to the Cancer Center to get our flu shots. And now.. I guess I'm moderate-ish.
Kind of.
BLEEEEEHHHHHH.
Ashlyn @ 10:47 PM
Friday, November 05, 2004
I'm sorry that I won't shut up about Taekwondo. I should move this to my Taekwondo blog. I don't really want to, though, because it's just another stupid rant, and I really don't want to defile the newness with a freaking rant quite yet.
Yet.
Anyhow. I freaking hate sparring with a burning, bloody passion. FREAKING HATE.
My mindset just isn't right for it. I am typically not an aggressive person, physically, and my confidence level, consequently, has gone way, way down. I, unlike everyone else, am far from full of myself. I have so little self confidence that it freaking hurts to look at me out there, bouncing out of the way and sneaking a kick in there every so often. You see, by nature (or it would seem, lately) I am a person of very little self esteem, and that little bit is very prone to changing. Today I land all my kicks, up it goes. Tomorrow, I miss and fall, and whoosh, it goes down.
This, however, is only part of the problem. The other part is the fact that I didn't learn how to spar here, and, sad as it may seem, we sparred differently at Sunrise. I guess maybe it was more honorable there, or I was younger and stupider and fuller of myself, or whatever. It's so scrappy here, and so many people just break the rules, no questions asked. They don't even venture into that little grey area.
Speaking of which, they freaking teach us how to go into that grey area of little known legalities. For example, it is illegal to push someone with your palms open, but it is perfectly fine to shove them with your hands curled into fists. This I learned today. Another thing would be that here you're allowed and encouraged to punch and push kick. A push kick, by the way, is exactly that. You just plant the bottom of your foot upon their chest, and all out shove.
At Sunrise, they told you not to punch.
At Sunrise, they told you not to push kick.
Here, if it's legal, GO FOR IT.
It's hard, it really is. Everyone breaks the rules somehow, because they don't care. I was brought up with the knowledge that rules are definitely not meant to be broken pounded firmly in my little head. And my outwardly introverted, quiet nature, as well as my complete lack of self-confidence, doesn't help either.
Everyone is cocky enough to try things beyond their ability.
But not me. I barely even do things within my ability. Just roundhouse kicks, and variations thereof. You learn how to roundhouse kick when you're a yellow belt. I'm a black belt.
And, you know what, I'm afraid of doing some of the more complicated, powerful kicks. Not so much that I'll screw up (though that's a factor), but that I'll smack someone straight in the face and make them run off crying. Or that I'll completely knock the wind out of them and they fall down, and start crying. Or whatever else I've done to hurt people.
I'm ruthless sometimes, or at least I used to be. If you're stupid enough to get kicked, then you deserved it. But they always used to make me apologize, and I didn't want to, but I had to. I hated it, because you just start feeling guilty, like it really is your fault. And then you're angry, because you know it wasn't, because you just confronted someone unnecessarily.
It's all been beaten out of me, and all that confidence I used to have has vanished with it.
Now I'm just a little target out there, hopping around and sidestepping and trying to kick, but never really getting it. Even in my supposed moments of triumph, there's always someone else to pull me down, to make it feel like it isn't right to tell anyone about it. Like my brother. Whenever I have a good day, he's all pissed. And he's louder, so I'm just that little person in the corner, dying to tell my story but too considerate to burst his bubble of anger. And today, I want to vent, but he's got to scream on and on about his relatively good day.
I hate being ignored.
Not only that, whenever I try and get some sympathy, all my parents do is tell me that yes, it's okay to break the rules and yes, it's okay to be scrappy and whatever other critical things they say. I want someone to tell me that it'll be okay, that I'm still good at this, that I'm not the worst black belt ever.
There's nobody to turn to for that. All I ever get is criticism or cursory remarks. It hurts. And there's nobody I can talk to, no shoulder to cry on. I don't know why, but I always seem to have trust issues. Nothing bad has happened to me. I guess I'm just like that. I feel like such a freaking failure.
I hate being so quiet and so shy and so introverted. But what I hate more is that I hide behind my crazier, more enjoyable self.
I hate this shell.
I hate being the moving target.
I hate always losing.
I hate winning and having nobody to tell.
I hate how there is never any sympathy.
I hate how people have to cry and I have to apologize.
I hate being a failure.
Ashlyn @
8:46 PM
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
We got our black uniforms and our swords today. We were also told we were coming to the wrong class, while we really weren't. The black uniforms are really kind of retarded, or they will be, in a few years. Honestly, those things are gonna fade like crazy once things really get going. I doubt I'll be needing a new uniform for a while, as far as sizing goes, because my body doesn't seem to have any intention to grow very much anytime soon. I mean, if I follow my growth chart, I'll be 5'4. FIVE FREAKING FOUR. And you thought you were short.
And the swords are just wooden ones, moron. They don't trust you enough till third degree for real swords. Mine is bigger than Jaron's - only a little by length, but a fair amount in weight and width. I'm afraid to start swinging that thing around, honestly. It's heavier, and because of that, it will most definitely have a tendency to swing more. Eeek.
On another note, we learned ten basic motions today. I hate having to learn all this new stuff again. Jaron and I seriously haven't learned much anything of real difficulty or 'newness' for a very long time. Like six months, practically. This was because we did our second jr. black test in April or something, and black belt testing was in October. And even the stuff we learned was really just review and nothing too complicated anyways.
Now there's lots of stupid palm blocks and weird motions with funny names that, of course, I'm expected to know but have never been taught. It's really annoying, honestly.
Also, Pete says my roundhouse kick is like a golf swing. It's hard to explain, but that's what he says. He's probably right, too.
Ashlyn @
9:17 PM
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Is that whole 'friends forever' thing really possible?
Life has a way of separating people, and, unless everyone takes time away from their lives, we're all too lazy to keep in touch. I mean, if you are truly and utterly someone's friend, then you'll always be friends. But in the same way? Maybe not. It's an interesting thought, really. Wouldn't you change as you got older?
I'm not implying anything here by saying that, but I'm just thinking about the future.
I saw Ali and Eric and Nitish today, at Eric's party. We had fun, doing crazy stuff and nominating a gourd the de shadow government candidate for president.
But it all makes me wonder - what will happen when the true parting of the ways comes? Not just when we go to highschool, because some of us will still be together and we'll be able to meet pretty easily - but when we go to college. Ali wants to go to Louisiana State, me to Stanford or Berkeley or somewhere like that, and who knows where everyone else is going to go. It's going to hurt, and it already sucks, because I go to a different school now.
Errrgh.
Other than Eric's party, we did go back and visit Master Kim today.
Except Master Kim wasn't there - only Master Rhee was. There were lots of black belts there too, because it must have been black belt class. Lindsay and Trevor were there, as well as those two sisters (one of which I kicked in the face during sparring, consequently making her cry). The sisters weren't black yet, just junior black. Master Rhee did a lot of talking with my mom, and talked to me about teaching the lower belts, now that I'm black belt. Woopee.
Speaking of lower belts, there was a freaking no belt in class this morning, and he was freaking learning all of the motions and kicks that we didn't learn until red belt, at least. And this kid was like five years old, and responded only to commands spoken in Korean.
It seems kind of unfair, that we have to sit around and wait for him to do motions that he isn't even supposed to do, when we could just zip through them.
Oh, and Master Lee was teaching, and he always puts me in a bad mood.
Pete hasn't taught us since we became black belts. Tuesday he was late, Saturday he didn't show at all. The rest of the week we didn't come.
I'm so tired.
3870838
Ashlyn @
11:12 PM
Friday, October 29, 2004
Hm. This weekend's schedule of events;
Saturday - Get hair cut, visit Master Kim in San Clemente (now that we've finally got our black belts), taekwondo class, Eric's party (7-10pm)
Sunday - Not much. The usual, until 3 or so, when I go to Sara's house to watch movies/trick-or-treat with everyone.
Speaking of trick-or-treating, today I wore my mom's lab coat to school, to get out of dressing for PE. To Eric's party I'm wearing a kimono that happened to be my grandmother's. It's purple, and it's quite lovely. See, when they turn ten, Japanese girls get a special kimono, because ten is a special age. However, I didn't get a kimono, because we're not really hardcore Japanese. Yeah, we're just kinda.. weird.
And on Sunday, I'm wearing black and borrowing a witch hat from Sylvia. Woopee. 1 Halloween, 3 costumes.
o.O
Ashlyn @
10:44 PM
Monday, October 25, 2004
It's red ribbon week, which means we get these funny little bracelets and get to participate in all these funny little activities that I don't really care about. Emily gave me an actual red ribbon and tied it in my hair. I guess I'll be doing that all week, since it makes me look different-ish. I'm sure everyone really could use a change from plain old boring me.
I'm far too lazy to even try and do that much with my hair in the mornings, so I don't. I just pull it all up into a ponytail, for sake of self-preservation. And so that people aren't crowing over me all day. That's kind of what happens when I leave my hair down - everyone is amazed/freaked/flabberghasted.
As you can see, I usually don't put my hair down.
Bleh. Science club is tomorrow. I really don't like it, but I guess I'm obligated to come because I'm on the 'board of directors'. I want to resign, because I got the crappy end of things, but I guess I can't, for some stupid reason.
I don't really know.
Ashlyn @
9:58 PM
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Yesterday may have been the first AND last day in recent memory that I have not been the least bit cynical about taekwondo. Well, maybe I WAS a bit cynical, but considerably less than usual. Honestly, I'm so cynical that running off a cliff would be better than listening to me rant and simmer. And I'm so cynical my effort is at the barest of all bare minimums.
That's pretty bare, folks.
But I'm still pretty good at this taekwondo thing. Either I'm extraordinarily talented inherently, or everyone else is just really, really bad. Who knows?
Now, to the real point of this post - to immortalize everything I can possibly remember about yesterday before I forget. My memory has already degenerated overnight, so likely half of this didn't really happen the way I say it did. But who's to know?
My brother and I only had four witnesses - not five, like we were supposed to. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa. The grandparents are those on my dad's side, by the way, because my mom's parents live in Hawaii.
I got hugged so many times yesterday. Pete, of course, after I ran and a million other times (before the ceremony, after the ceremony, etc). My grandpa, after we passed but before the ceremony, and my mom, later that night before we ate dinner. Kisses from my mom when she hugged me, and from Pete, sometime in one of those many times. If you're curious as to why the hell Pete is kissing me, I'm not really sure. He's special, and maybe I'm special too. And it was only on my head/hair anyways.
Pete is like my taekwondo dad in a lot of ways, I guess. He'd be a pretty cool dad, I think, except for times when he's in a crappy mood. Well, almost everyone would be a pretty cool _____, except for when they're in a crappy mood.
That's the beauty of knowing and seeing someone in only one place - all those cracks that everyone has are hidden beneath the surface, and, thus in a place you'll rarely see. Life would be more perfect if it was always like that.. but then it'd be so predictable and so boring, with everyone being so fun and perfect and awesome.
That would be terrible.
Note: I think I'm losing it. I'm not really sure how much of this is true, and how much I dreamt.
THAT FINE LINE IS BLURRING, PEOPLE.
Ashlyn @
1:22 PM
Ashlyn @ 8:46 PM
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
And the swords are just wooden ones, moron. They don't trust you enough till third degree for real swords. Mine is bigger than Jaron's - only a little by length, but a fair amount in weight and width. I'm afraid to start swinging that thing around, honestly. It's heavier, and because of that, it will most definitely have a tendency to swing more. Eeek.
On another note, we learned ten basic motions today. I hate having to learn all this new stuff again. Jaron and I seriously haven't learned much anything of real difficulty or 'newness' for a very long time. Like six months, practically. This was because we did our second jr. black test in April or something, and black belt testing was in October. And even the stuff we learned was really just review and nothing too complicated anyways.
Now there's lots of stupid palm blocks and weird motions with funny names that, of course, I'm expected to know but have never been taught. It's really annoying, honestly.
Also, Pete says my roundhouse kick is like a golf swing. It's hard to explain, but that's what he says. He's probably right, too.
Ashlyn @ 9:17 PM
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Is that whole 'friends forever' thing really possible?
Life has a way of separating people, and, unless everyone takes time away from their lives, we're all too lazy to keep in touch. I mean, if you are truly and utterly someone's friend, then you'll always be friends. But in the same way? Maybe not. It's an interesting thought, really. Wouldn't you change as you got older?
I'm not implying anything here by saying that, but I'm just thinking about the future.
I saw Ali and Eric and Nitish today, at Eric's party. We had fun, doing crazy stuff and nominating a gourd the de shadow government candidate for president.
But it all makes me wonder - what will happen when the true parting of the ways comes? Not just when we go to highschool, because some of us will still be together and we'll be able to meet pretty easily - but when we go to college. Ali wants to go to Louisiana State, me to Stanford or Berkeley or somewhere like that, and who knows where everyone else is going to go. It's going to hurt, and it already sucks, because I go to a different school now.
Errrgh.
Other than Eric's party, we did go back and visit Master Kim today.
Except Master Kim wasn't there - only Master Rhee was. There were lots of black belts there too, because it must have been black belt class. Lindsay and Trevor were there, as well as those two sisters (one of which I kicked in the face during sparring, consequently making her cry). The sisters weren't black yet, just junior black. Master Rhee did a lot of talking with my mom, and talked to me about teaching the lower belts, now that I'm black belt. Woopee.
Speaking of lower belts, there was a freaking no belt in class this morning, and he was freaking learning all of the motions and kicks that we didn't learn until red belt, at least. And this kid was like five years old, and responded only to commands spoken in Korean.
It seems kind of unfair, that we have to sit around and wait for him to do motions that he isn't even supposed to do, when we could just zip through them.
Oh, and Master Lee was teaching, and he always puts me in a bad mood.
Pete hasn't taught us since we became black belts. Tuesday he was late, Saturday he didn't show at all. The rest of the week we didn't come.
I'm so tired.
3870838
Ashlyn @
11:12 PM
Friday, October 29, 2004
Hm. This weekend's schedule of events;
Saturday - Get hair cut, visit Master Kim in San Clemente (now that we've finally got our black belts), taekwondo class, Eric's party (7-10pm)
Sunday - Not much. The usual, until 3 or so, when I go to Sara's house to watch movies/trick-or-treat with everyone.
Speaking of trick-or-treating, today I wore my mom's lab coat to school, to get out of dressing for PE. To Eric's party I'm wearing a kimono that happened to be my grandmother's. It's purple, and it's quite lovely. See, when they turn ten, Japanese girls get a special kimono, because ten is a special age. However, I didn't get a kimono, because we're not really hardcore Japanese. Yeah, we're just kinda.. weird.
And on Sunday, I'm wearing black and borrowing a witch hat from Sylvia. Woopee. 1 Halloween, 3 costumes.
o.O
Ashlyn @
10:44 PM
Monday, October 25, 2004
It's red ribbon week, which means we get these funny little bracelets and get to participate in all these funny little activities that I don't really care about. Emily gave me an actual red ribbon and tied it in my hair. I guess I'll be doing that all week, since it makes me look different-ish. I'm sure everyone really could use a change from plain old boring me.
I'm far too lazy to even try and do that much with my hair in the mornings, so I don't. I just pull it all up into a ponytail, for sake of self-preservation. And so that people aren't crowing over me all day. That's kind of what happens when I leave my hair down - everyone is amazed/freaked/flabberghasted.
As you can see, I usually don't put my hair down.
Bleh. Science club is tomorrow. I really don't like it, but I guess I'm obligated to come because I'm on the 'board of directors'. I want to resign, because I got the crappy end of things, but I guess I can't, for some stupid reason.
I don't really know.
Ashlyn @
9:58 PM
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Yesterday may have been the first AND last day in recent memory that I have not been the least bit cynical about taekwondo. Well, maybe I WAS a bit cynical, but considerably less than usual. Honestly, I'm so cynical that running off a cliff would be better than listening to me rant and simmer. And I'm so cynical my effort is at the barest of all bare minimums.
That's pretty bare, folks.
But I'm still pretty good at this taekwondo thing. Either I'm extraordinarily talented inherently, or everyone else is just really, really bad. Who knows?
Now, to the real point of this post - to immortalize everything I can possibly remember about yesterday before I forget. My memory has already degenerated overnight, so likely half of this didn't really happen the way I say it did. But who's to know?
My brother and I only had four witnesses - not five, like we were supposed to. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa. The grandparents are those on my dad's side, by the way, because my mom's parents live in Hawaii.
I got hugged so many times yesterday. Pete, of course, after I ran and a million other times (before the ceremony, after the ceremony, etc). My grandpa, after we passed but before the ceremony, and my mom, later that night before we ate dinner. Kisses from my mom when she hugged me, and from Pete, sometime in one of those many times. If you're curious as to why the hell Pete is kissing me, I'm not really sure. He's special, and maybe I'm special too. And it was only on my head/hair anyways.
Pete is like my taekwondo dad in a lot of ways, I guess. He'd be a pretty cool dad, I think, except for times when he's in a crappy mood. Well, almost everyone would be a pretty cool _____, except for when they're in a crappy mood.
That's the beauty of knowing and seeing someone in only one place - all those cracks that everyone has are hidden beneath the surface, and, thus in a place you'll rarely see. Life would be more perfect if it was always like that.. but then it'd be so predictable and so boring, with everyone being so fun and perfect and awesome.
That would be terrible.
Note: I think I'm losing it. I'm not really sure how much of this is true, and how much I dreamt.
THAT FINE LINE IS BLURRING, PEOPLE.
Ashlyn @
1:22 PM
Ashlyn @ 11:12 PM
Friday, October 29, 2004
Saturday - Get hair cut, visit Master Kim in San Clemente (now that we've finally got our black belts), taekwondo class, Eric's party (7-10pm)
Sunday - Not much. The usual, until 3 or so, when I go to Sara's house to watch movies/trick-or-treat with everyone.
Speaking of trick-or-treating, today I wore my mom's lab coat to school, to get out of dressing for PE. To Eric's party I'm wearing a kimono that happened to be my grandmother's. It's purple, and it's quite lovely. See, when they turn ten, Japanese girls get a special kimono, because ten is a special age. However, I didn't get a kimono, because we're not really hardcore Japanese. Yeah, we're just kinda.. weird.
And on Sunday, I'm wearing black and borrowing a witch hat from Sylvia. Woopee. 1 Halloween, 3 costumes.
o.O
Ashlyn @ 10:44 PM
Monday, October 25, 2004
It's red ribbon week, which means we get these funny little bracelets and get to participate in all these funny little activities that I don't really care about. Emily gave me an actual red ribbon and tied it in my hair. I guess I'll be doing that all week, since it makes me look different-ish. I'm sure everyone really could use a change from plain old boring me.
I'm far too lazy to even try and do that much with my hair in the mornings, so I don't. I just pull it all up into a ponytail, for sake of self-preservation. And so that people aren't crowing over me all day. That's kind of what happens when I leave my hair down - everyone is amazed/freaked/flabberghasted.
As you can see, I usually don't put my hair down.
Bleh. Science club is tomorrow. I really don't like it, but I guess I'm obligated to come because I'm on the 'board of directors'. I want to resign, because I got the crappy end of things, but I guess I can't, for some stupid reason.
I don't really know.
Ashlyn @
9:58 PM
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Yesterday may have been the first AND last day in recent memory that I have not been the least bit cynical about taekwondo. Well, maybe I WAS a bit cynical, but considerably less than usual. Honestly, I'm so cynical that running off a cliff would be better than listening to me rant and simmer. And I'm so cynical my effort is at the barest of all bare minimums.
That's pretty bare, folks.
But I'm still pretty good at this taekwondo thing. Either I'm extraordinarily talented inherently, or everyone else is just really, really bad. Who knows?
Now, to the real point of this post - to immortalize everything I can possibly remember about yesterday before I forget. My memory has already degenerated overnight, so likely half of this didn't really happen the way I say it did. But who's to know?
My brother and I only had four witnesses - not five, like we were supposed to. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa. The grandparents are those on my dad's side, by the way, because my mom's parents live in Hawaii.
I got hugged so many times yesterday. Pete, of course, after I ran and a million other times (before the ceremony, after the ceremony, etc). My grandpa, after we passed but before the ceremony, and my mom, later that night before we ate dinner. Kisses from my mom when she hugged me, and from Pete, sometime in one of those many times. If you're curious as to why the hell Pete is kissing me, I'm not really sure. He's special, and maybe I'm special too. And it was only on my head/hair anyways.
Pete is like my taekwondo dad in a lot of ways, I guess. He'd be a pretty cool dad, I think, except for times when he's in a crappy mood. Well, almost everyone would be a pretty cool _____, except for when they're in a crappy mood.
That's the beauty of knowing and seeing someone in only one place - all those cracks that everyone has are hidden beneath the surface, and, thus in a place you'll rarely see. Life would be more perfect if it was always like that.. but then it'd be so predictable and so boring, with everyone being so fun and perfect and awesome.
That would be terrible.
Note: I think I'm losing it. I'm not really sure how much of this is true, and how much I dreamt.
THAT FINE LINE IS BLURRING, PEOPLE.
Ashlyn @
1:22 PM
Ashlyn @ 9:58 PM
Sunday, October 24, 2004
That's pretty bare, folks.
But I'm still pretty good at this taekwondo thing. Either I'm extraordinarily talented inherently, or everyone else is just really, really bad. Who knows?
Now, to the real point of this post - to immortalize everything I can possibly remember about yesterday before I forget. My memory has already degenerated overnight, so likely half of this didn't really happen the way I say it did. But who's to know?
My brother and I only had four witnesses - not five, like we were supposed to. Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa. The grandparents are those on my dad's side, by the way, because my mom's parents live in Hawaii.
I got hugged so many times yesterday. Pete, of course, after I ran and a million other times (before the ceremony, after the ceremony, etc). My grandpa, after we passed but before the ceremony, and my mom, later that night before we ate dinner. Kisses from my mom when she hugged me, and from Pete, sometime in one of those many times. If you're curious as to why the hell Pete is kissing me, I'm not really sure. He's special, and maybe I'm special too. And it was only on my head/hair anyways.
Pete is like my taekwondo dad in a lot of ways, I guess. He'd be a pretty cool dad, I think, except for times when he's in a crappy mood. Well, almost everyone would be a pretty cool _____, except for when they're in a crappy mood.
That's the beauty of knowing and seeing someone in only one place - all those cracks that everyone has are hidden beneath the surface, and, thus in a place you'll rarely see. Life would be more perfect if it was always like that.. but then it'd be so predictable and so boring, with everyone being so fun and perfect and awesome.
That would be terrible.
Note: I think I'm losing it. I'm not really sure how much of this is true, and how much I dreamt.
THAT FINE LINE IS BLURRING, PEOPLE.
Ashlyn @ 1:22 PM
